Individualistic Rise: Chapter Three

Previously: 

The more the days pass, the more I have became addicted. I was in my deepest point of depression; I never had family, friends, lover, or anyone else. Even that group? We just never talked! We just get high and get along with our life.

I just wanted to feel loved.. I just wanted to feel safe.. I just wanted to feel valued.. I just wanted to be heard.. I just wanted to be considered.. i just wanted to be liked.. I just wanted to be treated as a normal human.. I just wanted to live just like any other teen and adult.. 

Drugs were a temporary get away. Things were not changing to the better.. it was the total opposite! Because it was all I was doing and I kept getting more addicted to it. That made me realize why it is actually illegal.

I had to pull myself out of this extremely deep grave that I have buried myself into..

So I started to gradually cut off the drugs to the point where I can live the day without it and mainly without NEEDING it. It did take quite a long time; but, I have put my mind to it. So, it was much easier. Faster, as well, because I was not that stubborn adult; I had a goal in mind.

Of course.. for that group? I have texted them, telling them that my uncle caught me and that he will call the cops if he knew that they were coming.. Ha! They never texted back to that lie.

After that.. I had to start new.. I had to have a fresh start!

I truly wanted to have a kid, and to give that kid all of what I have missed. But I was too hesitant that I’m not really worth it because of my past. In addition to that, I thought that I cannot be THAT mom because I do not know what’s the meaning of that..

But I had to go for it because I cannot be locking myself in that cage forever.

I packed all of my belongings and left a note for my uncle.. wrong choice? Nah.. I did not want to see him happy when I tell him that I’m moving on AND away.. 

Of course before leaving I had to have a job to provide myself with food and to cover all of the bills, such as, the apartment bills, phone bills, etc. having a job will help me with my next step.. which is adopting.

I started working as a secretary 

And I finally took a step further and adopted a girl!

Her name is Sarah,

She was 2 years old when I adopted her!

Obviously, at the very beginning it was truly hard because I did not really have a broad background on children and how to communicate and what to feed her and when to do everything.. literally. It was nerve-racking, I admit. It felt like she was not enjoying my care and company. But I came into realization that:

 CLEARLY she is a baby.. it is obviously so hard to let a two year old adapt to a new place and a new adopter whom she never met before!

So, I started being more careful and stopped being so pushy. Then eventually she started communicating and  being expressive and responsive! Let me tell you.. what a relief!

This was probably.. actually.. it isss the best choice I have ever made. 

Since the moment I have adopted her my eyes could not stop looking at her and I could not stop playing with her to the point that I brought her every single day to my office! I also kept procrastinating all of my work to go out and have so many quality times with her and not to forget to mention!..Our cutest mommy and daughter dates! 

She cherished me, she taught me how to be so dedicated and loving, she made me feel blessed, she made me grow up and be humble, she made me face my fears, she made me breathe again, she healed all of my wounds, she made me smile. Every. Single. Day. Morning. Night. Hour. Minute. Second. Millisecond. 

And most importantly.. she made me see my life in a total different perspective!

She was my missing piece..

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Individualistic Rise: Chapter Two

Previously: 

Now that I’m 25.. which is ten years later.. he decided, after he settled down with his job of being a lawyer, to take a step further and propose! And of course, I said yes with no hesitation, because I know for a fact that my uncle would be WAY more happier than me..

We got so excited and started planning our close and far future and he told me that he would not mind if we did not do any huge celebrations, it could be just the two of us.

But before jumping into the celebrations and plans we had to do what every couple is supposed to do before getting married.. which are the medical tests..

And apparently 

I have tested positive in infertility..

I did not know how he would react.. we did not expect it at all!

Obviously, whether I like it or not, he had to know the news..

At that time, he was extremely busy with some cases so I had to call and deliver the news to him..

He was silent when I told him, and I have immediately suggested that we can easily adopt kids in need for our care. 

He, word to word, said:

“ what do you think MY family and MY society would think and say about ME! Are you crazy?!  And in fact, why would you suggest that?!...”

“Ummm.. I guess you are too overwhelmed with work.. maybe we could talk about it later?”

“NO! Maya! We are DONE!”

“What do you mean we are done?! Why would you leave me in a matter of seconds after all of those years?! I get it.. you want your own kids, but, you could still adopt kids and consider them your own! Why does it have to do with what YOUR society and family think of it?! I thought you loved me.. but, I guess you were just using me to fulfill your own needs.. because if you truly did, that excuse would not be the end of this relationship..” 

He hung up without saying any further words. 

A month after a month.. I still could not overcome that shock. I could not believe he was THAT selfish. I kept thinking he will come back tomorrow.. but, he never did.. he even blocked me on all social medias. I even kept doing the tests again and again hoping that one of them would turn out the total opposite and that the rest was fake.. 

My whole life went back to when it started.. my life truly felt empty again.. I know, I know, I know.. he appeared to be using me. Because.. he knows that I have no other options and that I would give my ALL to him.. But! It helped me to go through it all.. and mainly, not feel lonely.

I had to keep my mind off it ALL.

I never succeeded in any type of relationships including friendships, so to get away.. I had to do it the bad way.

I remembered back in college there was that group who had the worst reputation, I contacted one of them and told her that I needed what they had no matter how much it would cost.. so I invited them to my place since it is obviously the safest place; my uncle would never ever bother to check up on me in my bedroom. 

They immediately came.. and if you cannot tell; I started using drugs.. a day after a day.. mornings and nights.. they even started inviting themselves over without even telling me before hand. 

The more the days pass, the more I have became addicted. I was in my deepest point of depression; I never had family, friends, lover, or anyone else. Even that group? We just never talked! We just get high and get along with our life.

I just wanted to feel loved.. I just wanted to feel safe.. I just wanted to feel valued.. I just wanted to be heard.. I just wanted to be considered.. i just wanted to be liked.. I just wanted to be treated as a normal human.. I just wanted to live just like any other teen and adult.. 

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Individualistic Rise: Chapter One

The story is 100% FICTION, 

Hope you enjoy!

And leave me a feedback, that would motivate me to proceed and to be consistent! 
Love you guys xx.

Here is a recap of my childhood, when I was few months old my parents died in a car accident, and I’m their only child.. my parents have been together for so long but they were not prepared to take full responsibility of a tiny soul after all of their losses, and by that I mean.. losing every single member of their small families.

The only member left is my youngest uncle.. and that is how he narrated my childhood. 

My name is Maya,

I’m a 25 year old orphaned woman living with my uncle.. but not really. Although we live in the same apartment, I rarely see him. When I turned 12, he dropped all of his assigned duties that were basically taking care of me for his own sake.. but would we really blame him? 

He did not even graduate college when all of that has happened. I was stapled to him unawarely. I was not part of his plan of life, the one he did not get to enjoy much of.. because of me. In addition to that, no woman has accepted him when he brought up my subject.. it appears that no one wants to be in a relationship in a young age taking care of someone else’s daughter who is one to twelve years old as it is the most difficult phase, especially when almost turning into a teen. 

He was not really open with me about ANYTHING. So, I did not have much knowledge about him, nor my family. He used to always do everything for me silently.. like feeding me, helping me with homework, buying me clothes, and so on.. he just never wants to talk..

And of course 

I could not bare that lifestyle, as I’m a young child who is full of energy and want to talk about their day and their school drama and what they like and what they do not and to practice different hobbies, like arts and crafts and going for bicycle rides, after those joyful laughing moments when children proceed to try to learn how to ride it after falling so many times.. I just wished for days like these.. I wanted to be like any other child.. 

So I genuinely felt like there is a hole in me.. a piece of me was missing that was not fulfilled by a mother, father, brother, sister, cousin, friend, etc. I had no one.. until I met him..

I met Adam when I was 15, we have talked a lot constantly on a daily basis, then we became so close together. He is everything I needed and the joy of my whole life to the point I did not need anyone else.

During those years, we used to..

Help each other’s homework 

Study together 

Go out and have fun together 

Go on car rides together 

Learn how to drive together 

Watch movies together 

Feed each other 

Pour our hearts out to each other 

Be there for each other 

Listen to each other 

Cook for each other

Take care of each other 

Go shopping together 

Buy gifts for each other 

And much much more..

Now that I’m 25.. which is ten years later.. he decided, after he settled down with his job of being a lawyer, to take a step further and propose! And of course, I said yes with no hesitation, because I know for a fact that my uncle would be WAY more happier than me..

We got so excited and started planning our close and far future and he told me that he would not mind if we did not do any huge celebrations, it could be just the two of us.

But before jumping into the celebrations and plans we had to do what every couple is supposed to do before getting married.. which are the medical tests..

And apparently 

I have tested positive in infertility..

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Wicked House: The Pain

Chapter four:

Previously:

I stood in front of my father and cried, “I know why you made me go to that school! Dad, when are you going to stop?”

He threw his glass of champagne and pulled out his belt.

“I don’t care if you hit me billion times! I care about you. Dad, mom, please. This is not the first time I beg you to stop drinking!” I yelled.

Then, as always, he started hitting me over and over again. The bruises on my body and face were back.

Seeing him hurting me everyday and seeing my mom carelessly watching us was probably the worst pain a human can ever go through.

When the closest people to you are the farthest to your heart.. really hurts.

I quietly went to the place my siblings were staying.

I smiled and hugged both of them, “Fahad, why do you look sad?” my sister asked. I answered,” I’m not sad, I just miss you guys.”

“No, you’re lying! I just want to remind you of what you told me, {one day the pain will go away.} “

I went back to school, but I saw a bench that was out of the school’s campus.

I sat on the bench and wrote:

‘I never asked you to be my Dad,

To slap me around and treat me bad.

I never asked you to drink alcohol,

I never asked for anything at all.

I never asked for the hurt and pain,

Or for the nights that were half insane.

I never asked for fights that were wild,

Or to grow up a bewildered child.

I never asked you to beat up my Mom,

Or for a blanket to help keep me warm.

I never asked you to leave me alone,

Or to grow up in a broken down home.

I never asked for this horrible life,

Or for the conflicts, the quarrels and strife.

I never once asked that I be defiled,

Or to grow up a bewildered child.

I never asked to be raised in prison,

Or to see darkness though the sun had risen.

I never asked you to raise Holy Hell,

Or for my bedroom to be like a jail cell.

I never asked to be used and abused,

Or to sit in my room dazed and confused.

I never asked for the crap that has piled,

Or to grow up a bewildered child.

I never asked for a brand new bike,

Or for any toys that I used to like.

I never asked you to throw me a ball,

Or for the bruises when I took a "fall".

I never asked once but I'm asking you now,

I hope you make me understand somehow.

How you could treat me so freaking bad,

That I never asked you to be my Dad.

**

I smell the whiskey on your breath.

And you beg for me to put your temper to the test.

You slap me around and call me names.

Mom, I'm sick of playing these games.

One day it's going to end up getting worse.

It hurts me how you yell and curse.

Stop it, before it's too late.

Mom, this is not your fate.

You used to care.

You used to be there.

Now you've gone away.

Mom, please stop today.

Bruises and hits.

Temperamental fits.

All is causing me pain.

Mom, stop yelling. I'm not to blame.

You're drinking away what's left of you.

It's hurting me, and you're hurting me, too.

I've cried. I've begged. What more can I do?

Mom, I've tried to help. And I've tried to still love you.

It's hard when I'm only neglected.

When all I ever wanted was to be accepted.

I know I'm not perfect, but look at you now.

Mom, you've got to stop this somehow.

You've beaten me down once more.

My heart's broken, and I'm lying on the floor.

How much more of this can I take?

Mom, please. Give me a break.

You brought me into this life.

And you cause me all this strife.

But are you going to take me out of this world, too?

Mom, stop before that comes true.’

The End.

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Xx<3

(A note: young children who suffered with alcohol addict parents wrote these two poems.)